I have a confession to make. For those who know me now it may be hard to believe that I grew up “throwing tantrums” or “hissy fits” by Southern vernacular. My mom always instructed me that “little ladies” did not do that sort of thing — it was not attractive.
Somewhere along the way I decided to change my behavior. Instead I would get quiet and go to my room . . .then do something that would not embarrass me in front of my friends (or receive punishment from my parents) . . . and might actually make my parents happier with me (or at a minimum avoid a slow simmering wrath from someone else). Over time I learned how to bury myself into an activity when stressed and bursting with venom. This activity usually resulted in my room being cleaned resulting in the joyful response from my mother (just the positive reinforcement I needed). I still do this today . . . clean house, work in the yard, or, heck, I even clean my child’s room. While being a flurry of activity, I thought about the “issue” that irritated me. Considered just how bad it really was. Tried to convince myself of a better resolution. Then I mentally practiced just how would go forward or be ready the next time it happened. Sure, it would have been easier to complain . . . I just decided the rewards from complaining lacked the “feel good” from the other. By channeling my energies into an activity with a more positive outcome . . . the source of the trigger to complain was blunted by the personal satisfaction of what I’d accomplished. HINT: the harder and more furious the activity that follows my upset . . . the more egregious my mind thinks the issue is. This has become my version of mindful meditation (Tiny Buddha).
Mindful meditation is trying to find the truth of a situation and just allowing the situation alone. I know, that sounds easier than it actually is. I have found with practice I have found less of a need to express dissatisfaction for the things that bring me angst, thankfulness that things are not worse, and lessons learned that aren’t taught in school or professional training.
Truth: our mind tend to focus more on the bad than the good. Evolution has demonstrated those who learned to avoid a threat or the bad in the world tended to live longer. Perhaps this is why negative stimuli produce more neural activity than do equally intense positive stimuli (Rick Hanson, PhD)
The truth is every time we complain, the next time we complain becomes easier for us. We actually begin to develop the habit of complaining. While some habits may be good for us, this is not necessarily one of them.
When we have a repeated life experience, our brain begins clumping neuron connections associated with that life experience. This clump of neurons work together. A simple feeling or physical sensation associated with that unique life experience stimulates all those neurons to fire together.
So if something like how things just aren’t working out for you keep playing out in your brain, a neuron-network develops, and will eventually trigger that neuron network every time there’s a similar feeling or sensation that’s held within the neuron network. Ultimately you become faster to react to these feelings or sensations. Ultimately, you become more susceptible to anxiety because of it. Eventually it becomes what and who we are.
We become persons who respond with knee-jerk reactions. We tend to over react to our environment or what people say or do. We are absolutely on auto-pilot.
The good news is we can actually break down these neuron-networks that produce anxiety and create new neuron networks that result in a more reasonable response. It begins when we stop . . . breathe . . . and pause before responding to the situation.
This allows us to . . .
(1) catch our self and ask what’s really going on;
(2) be thankful at the same time;
(3) practice wise mindful thought to determine the next best thing to do; and
(4) create a better pathway to go forward as a habit — something that ultimately leaves us feeling satisfied.
Another confession . . . I have people in my life who would love to see me have a “meltdown”. Sad, isn’t it? Our patients have similar situations. In a way these people who only provide negativity can help us to develop and make habits actions toward a more mindful response.
I honestly believe no one wins with polarizing positions. I really do believe every one choses their own path. I honestly believe the one person you can actually depend on is yourself. If you’re only going to complain, how’s that going to help you?
When your patients enter convinced they are failures with their self management, that they are responsible for all their problems — or better yet, someone else is responsible for all their problems, it’s okay to remind them it’s okay. Yesterday is over — history. Tomorrow has hope. Today let’s begin to learn how to improve just one little thing and begin the journey to a better future.
References:
https://www.powerofpositivity.com/negative-thinking-affects-your-brain/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201704/stuck-in-negative-thinking-it-could-be-your-brain
https://www.attn.com/stories/2587/what-negative-thinking-does-your-brain
Lama Surya Das. Awakening the Buddha Within.
https://tinybuddha.com. How Complaining Rewires Your Brain for Negativity ( And How to Break the Habit)